Hey, I have missed 2 days so here is a bit of a catch up.

It has been a pretty tough couple of days but Friday was defiantely better than Thursday. I went to work, did a great job and came home knowing that I didn’t have to go to work till Thursday so have some time to recoup and get back in working order. I was even in bed by 9:30. My eating was ok till tea as we had no food in the house that was edible.

Sat i was able to sleep in. I must have needed it as I slept till 1pm. We then did shopping so we have healthy food again. My eating was much better on Sat.

Will bbl to post today’s thing.

I am very much blessed with great friends.

I had another lousy day at work. It was horrible. I burst into tears again. This time that catalyst was knocking a glass of water with ice on me. After tomorrow, I don’t have to work till Thursday so I am going to be able to get back to being on track. Not with regards to weight (it might help) but with the whole emotional side.

DS had a real bad day also.

But… I went to soccer practise and one of my friends came along and helped me to walk when I really didn’t want to. It was amazing. She is a P.E teacher so she helped me work all kinds of muscles in my legs. Boy it isn’t feeling very comfortable now but I am learning about what I can do when I am by myself.

I am feeling much more positive tonight. Am willing that to stay. I need to really work on that. Well off to bed after I wash my uniform. I forgot about that. k, give me another hour.

I didn’t do anything of consequence today. Well not with exercise or things like that. I did however buy my dh a bike so that we can ride together. i am looking forward to that.

Eating was averae again and I don’t think I drunk any water at all. I don’t remember much of today at all. I have been extremely exhausted again. I think that I need to use the 5 days off in a row next week to regroup and organise myself and become well rested again. That is making a big impact on how I am functioning. Well off to hang my uniform then head to bed. Night.

Good evening. I almost forgot post today.

It went well, still ate emotionally a bit but I know it and am working on it.

I didn’t walk home from study today but before you go, Oh Jen, we thought that you could do it, let me finish. I walked to my friends house and took 30 minutes (I was expecting it to take at least 40). I then walked 10 mins to the shops, 10 mins back home and ds and I walked home from school today(20 mins).

That is a total of 70mins walking today. I am totally chuffed.

I did only drink about 500ml of water which is annoying and my eating choices weren’t that great but I feel that I am getting better.

Still need to work on the whole emotional side as it is affecting me pretty badly.

I did however purchase Michelle Bridges book called crunch time which I think will be a great asset. I am already looking forward to it. I am going to read it in one go to get the gist then go back and really take it in and apply it. That isn’t me making excuses (I don’t think) but wanting to be prepared for everything required of me.

I will finish with this quote from the book that made real sense to me and maybe even explains to a certain degree why I haven’t made the progress that I hoped for so far.

“Let me tell you – most people don’t get messed up in the head because they are overweight; They become overweight because they are messed up in the head” Michelle Bridges – Crunch time: lose weight fast and keep it off.

Back again. I really fight with the whole emotional aspect of losing weight. It is so tough. Things were a bit emotional last night – don’t worry, nothing real bad happened- and this morning it just seemed to expand and was just horrible. I went to work and my boss noticed. After talking to me, I cried, which possibly isn’t good if you think about the fact that I was making drinks at the time. After she left for the day, I was able to get on with everything.

I felt a lot better after that. Eating wise, I am improving, water drinking not so much. I had a foccacia for lunch and we had thai for tea. I did give into the emotions of the day and ate a lot of bullets, clinckers and cheese chips.

It didn’t make me feel better and I don’t know why I did it. I am learning though. I am not going to let that go into my mouth -if possible- again.

I have also had a flick through Michelle’s (from biggest loser) book and it deals with a whole heap of stuff so I am going to buy it tomorrow and work on reading and putting that into practise.

So goals for tomorrow are : Drink 2 litres or more of water, eat at least 2 pieces of fruit and have grilled chicken and veg for tea. If I have shorts to wear, I will also walk the 50ish minutes from bible study to my home via Big W. If I don’t have shorts and have to wear my jeans, I don’t care. I still want to do it.

Wish me luck

Jen

I am not going to even start with how today went or rather didn’t go. It was a lousy day in every area.

Will write more tomorrow.

Today… Not sure how it went realistically. Bad choices made again and while I am annoyed at the whole “not doing what I set out to do” thing, I am happy with how I went. I know that doesn’t really make sense but while I didn’t eat the best (even slightly), I enjoyed myself for the day and apart from while I was at work I was relaxed and comfortable with just being me and at peace with who I am.

For breakfast I was going to get a healthy option before work (yoghurt from work), the lines were going out the door so I knew that I would not get the time to buy anything so started work on an empty stomach. Tis something I don’t recommend as it really knocks you around. Any-who, work was VERY busy with a lot of people coming from ANZAC day parades. There was no time to rest at all. Even with 4 people up till 12 it was crazy. I did get a little break to buy a cheese burger (half price… not that that makes it any better) bout 11.20 before everyone left at 12. I then worked till 2, planned to leave then but had another rush and couldn’t leave the newish girl to be on her own so I stayed back 20 mins before getting one of the managers to help her.

For lunch I had a chicken foccacia (they are soooo yum) and a latte. A friend came down to have coffee with me and that made the whole day great. We talked about a whole heap of stuff and nothing at all and I got to relax. So much so that I didn’t actually leave work till about 4 where the girl I worked with before my shift ended still hadn’t had a break from all the coffees. Poor thing, she is only new and we were hammered all day.

DH and DS then came to pick G and I up and we came back to our house. DH is soooo supportive. I seriously don’t know how he puts up with me. He tidied up the house so well and waited on us while we relaxed. I am so very blessed to have him.

We had kfc for tea and I am discovering how much I really can’t stand cruddy food. Next time there is a public holiday and nothing is open, I am going to prepare in advance. I am hanging for grilled chicken and steamed vegies.

So to finish, I guess that I have to say I had a great day. I am coming to the conclusion that weight loss and becoming healthy isn’t just food and exercise. While they are VERY important aspects, mental and emotional health play a big part. I am learning to be open to thinking about what I need, and learning that it is ok to take care of all of me. It is ok to take time out to focus on myself and not worry about making sure others are ok. Granted I have others that I need to look after, ie. ds and dh but I can’t be the best for them if I am not ok as it will lead to a break down -be it large or small- and a long time recovering where I am no good to anyone.

So yeah, it hasn’t been great with food or exercise but I have learnt a whole heap about myself and I am starting to like me and like who I am.

Why do we sabotage ourselves? Any ideas?

I have been sooo emotional today. I did fine with breakfast (porridge with sultanas and honey) I have drunk over a litre of water and while that isn’t great in the big scheme of things, it is better than the none that I had been having per day. Lunch was to be a chicken foccacia from work but we run out and I didn’t get a chance to make more before I left so I had 2 spinach and feta strudels and a banana. I got home from picking up ds and just lost it. The stress of this week has been building up and building up and tonight I lost it. I didn’t go crazy but I lost all motivation to do anything for anyone. The temptation to tell ds to get himself to bed and forget that he is only 7 was very strong. Thankfully the maternal part of me that cares even when I don’t stood strong.

So where does the sabotage come in? The pizza I ordered for tea and the icecream with sprinkles I am having now. I have lost the care for tonight and want to punish myself. I know that tomorrow I will jump aboard again and start strong again but for now… I am just going to finish the icecream then head to bed.

Weigh in day today. I am 106.2 Kgs. That is 200g down from last week. It could even be more as I had breakfast before I weighed in.

I have discovered that I need more sleep. I went to bed at 10:30pm and still slept in. Thank goodness that DH takes DS to school on Thursdays and Fridays. So from tonight, my bed time is 9:30. This will be every might as it really messes up my day due to feeling so lousy.I am still determined to walk to DS’s school…

…….

Well it is about 10:30pm and I am not in bed. I need to eat way more fruit and veg. I did drink more water today so that is a start.

Breakfast was a couple of crumpets with nutella, lunch was a foccacia from work and a tall latte. Donner was a chicken salad from subway. This I thought was great and amazing as DH wanted Red Rooster and I was tempted to follow him but instead suggested subway so we all had subway.Exercise wise I didn’t get to walk to DS’s school as I had a couple of missed calls from the guidence  counsellor at DS’s school and he wanted to have a chat to me about how dds is going. I grabbed a taxi as I freaked out a bit. i did however walk for 50 of the 60 minutes I had while DS was at soccer training. I did 20 laps of a kid sized soccer field. Next week I am aiming for at least 21 laps. I don’t really care as long as I improve each time. I was completely stuffed afterwards but I felt that I had accomplished a great deal.

Emotionally it hasn’t been that great a day. A co worker has complained about me again and that was hard but it is only her so i have no idea what to do or think. The guidance counsellor has me thinking about paediatricians and O.Ts. I did give int o a bit of emotional eating I had a serving of pringles and 3 mini muffins.

For tomorrow I want to eat better and do at least 20 mins of walking. I will take a banana to work so I can eat it when I finish and will also have a foccacia as that is one of the healthiest alternatives at work. O don’t trust there salads (is that a bad thing?) i am going to have fish and veggies for dinner and I think that I need to up my veggie intake… no, I need to up my intake of veggies. For exercise I am going to walk home with DS no matter what.

I CAN DO THIS!!!!!

Jen

Today is a new day. It is really starting to hit me that I am killing myself. It isn’t healthy. I am not sure if I am highly motivated but I know that I need to do something. Having said that, I am eating pringles as I write. I know that I am trying to comfort myself. From what though, I have no idea.

I have to start changing me from the inside. I have to stay strong and don’t give up when it gets too hard. I have to persevere.

It is too late to do anything today but I will walk to school to pick up ds and walk the whole time training is on (ds plays soccer) I will eat as healthy as I can and drink heaps of water.

I have a goal

In three years, I have my 10 year anniversary. I want to be at my goal weight by then.I look back on me wedding photos and I was unhealthy. Yeah I was 7 months pregnant but I was still very unhealthy.

I want to feel and look as beautiful as my husband sees me. I have about 41kg to lose and while I know that I can do it in a year if I try really hard, I will be happy to be at goal but the 10th of October 2010 which is my dh’s birthday. That is 18 months to get there.

We have been trying for another child and if I fall pregnant in that time I will deal with it and work it out when it happens.

Wish me luck,

Jen